


An angel above us

by MarmOTeen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Death, Childbirth, F/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24714454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmOTeen/pseuds/MarmOTeen
Summary: The Bates are on their way to expanding their family. But, since they are the Bates, obviously things won't go as planned.
Relationships: Anna Bates & Mary Crawley, Anna Bates/John Bates
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set post-movie, in 1927-1929.  
> Disclaimer: in my work, Anna still has long hair, because I think she is so much prettier like this, and it was a crime to cut short such a beautiful hair.  
> It is only my 2nd attempt at fanfic writing, so I hope you enjoy it.  
> And I know it is unlikely, but if you ever come across this: Joanne Froggatt, I love you!!

“Who can say where the road goes  
Where the day flows, only time”  
(Enya)

March 1928

In the middle of the night, John Bates was sitting in an uncomfortable armchair, in a dark room. A ray of light came from under the door for the corridor, but it was the only source of light in the room.  
Sleep was again eluding him. Going over the last few days in his mind, he felt he was living the darkest hours of his life. That was no small talk for a man who had fought a damaging war, known prison twice, been unjustly condemned to death, been kept from marrying the woman he loved for several years, seen her get hurt more often than should have been. Yet for the last three years they had been happy. One does get used to happiness. He had slowly learned to stop waiting for the next misery that was to be sent in their way. He had learnt to enjoy the small things in life, waking up next to his wife, hearing his son call out to them, seeing him grow up, taking his first steps, saying his first words. He had relaxed.  
Maybe he shouldn’t have. For there was fate again, threatening to take away what he held dearest. 

***

September 1927

On a bright September Sunday morning, Anna Bates was slowly waking up. A ray of late summer sunlight was falling from between the curtains, and she could feel its warmth on her legs.  
Her twenty months-old boy was still fast asleep in the small bed opposite theirs. He was a fine sleeper, this they could be thankful for. It would have been hard for them to manage the long working days along with the sleepless nights. But during the day he was a lively child. He threw his occasional temper tantrum like any toddler would do, but otherwise he was a good-natured child. His father always said he got his joyous character from his lovely mother.  
Anna sometimes couldn’t bring herself to believe the happiness they had had for the past two years. Until then, their life had been an unending series of hardships and misery, and every time they had thought they could relax and enjoy the moment, something else had come in their way. But since New Year’s Eve 1925, when little Johnny had come into their world, their happiness seemed complete. They were both still working for the Crawley family in Downton Abbey, but they thought and talked more and more often of their old dream of buying a small hotel. 

Next to her, her husband John Bates started stirring. He opened his still foggy eyes, turned to her, and saw that she was already awake. With a smile, he whispered:  
\- Good morning lovely. How are you?  
\- Never been better, she answered in the same tone, not wanting to wake the toddler.  
Silently, she started planting light kisses everywhere on his face. Forehead, eyebrows, eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, she kept exploring her territory until he caught her mouth with his, and intensified their kiss. Electricity started flowing through their bodies. His arm found his way under her night dress, embraced her waist and pressed her close to him, where she could feel that he was very much awake indeed.  
They were used to the quick and efficient early morning lovemaking, for in the evenings, it was often rather late when they finally got home from work, and they were frequently exhausted. They had learned to keep their vocal ardor down since the little one had moved in with them. Until now, they couldn’t bring themselves to move him in the spare room next door.  
Only a few minutes after they had shared their climax, when they were just beginning to come down from the heavenly shores of their very own private island, they heard the boy calling out to them.  
\- Mamma? Da?  
\- Oops, chuckled Anna, this time we almost got caught red-handed!  
\- Seems so. We’re really going to have to move him one day. He’s getting bigger…  
Anna got up after quickly putting her nightdress on again, and went to pick up the little boy. As he clutched his arms around her neck, she kissed him on his temple and said:  
\- Hello my darling! Did you sleep well?  
She went back to the large bed with him, so they could enjoy a little family cuddling before going down for breakfast.  
So this was what happiness was like. A loving husband, a charming child. And she smiled to herself, thinking of her own little secret, that would soon make them happier still. She intended to share it with John later that day. It was time.  
John caught her dreamy smile and asked, amused:  
\- What?!  
\- What? she repeated innocently  
\- What are you smiling about?  
\- Nothing! Or rather, I’m smiling because I look at my loving husband and my lovely boy, and I’m happy!  
\- Alright, that I can understand, he accepted with a soft kiss on her forehead. I feel the same myself. Should we go down and have breakfast?  
\- Sure, she smirked, proud to have gotten away with it. She didn’t want to rush her announcement. 

Half an hour later, they were having their breakfast in the kitchen, Johnny happily babbling away in his baby talk. Both had their day off. Since the previous year, Downton staff had a whole day off a week.  
Halfway through her toast, Anna suggested:  
\- Shall we go on a picnic by the lake? The weather looks nice enough. We should enjoy the sun while it lasts. Autumn will soon be there.  
\- Sure my darling, if you feel like it. That would be nice.  
\- Alright. Shall I prepare while you go dress Johnny, or do you prefer the other way around?  
\- I’ll go and dress him, answered John, always eager to spend a little playful father-and-son time.

***

By noon the three of them had settled by the lake. John had spent a fair amount of time showing his son how to make ricochets on the water surface, much to the delight of the child who was shrieking with joy each time he saw a stone bouncing on the water. After a while his interest had faded, and he had turned on chasing butterflies in the meadow. John had gone back to the blanket they had set on the grass, and sat next to Anna.  
After watching their son go about for a little time, Anna asked her husband:  
\- Are you happy?  
\- I couldn’t be more my darling, answered John. I have the perfect wife, the perfect son, the perfect family…  
She smiled mischievously:  
\- So how would you like to add a new member to this perfect family?  
He turned to her, astonished:  
\- What do you mean?  
\- What do you think I mean, you silly beggar, she beamed, rolling her eyes. (“Men…” she was thinking inside her head)  
Comprehension dawned on him and he grinned:  
\- Are you sure?  
\- Yes. I’m three weeks late, and that nauseous feeling I’m getting every morning cannot be mistaken.  
\- Oh sweetheart, I’m so happy! But you didn’t seem that nauseous to me earlier this morning, he teased, raising his eyebrows.  
\- Then I’m good at hiding my game, she answered.  
\- Shouldn’t you be seeing Dr Ryder quite soon, he asked, remembering the stressful events that had taken place at the beginning of Johnny’s pregnancy.  
\- I will. I’ll call in tomorrow to make an appointment.  
\- Oh this is such good news! he said happily as he playfully picked her up and rolled her over on the grass.  
\- John! Stop it! You are going to make me completely untidy!  
\- And who cares? he answered, and planted a kiss on her lips. 

Later on, they had leisurely made their way home, John carrying his son on his shoulders, holding him with one hand and gripping on his cane with the other, not listening to Anna’s admonitions that it was dangerous and that the child might fall.


	2. Chapter 2

“No I can't forget tomorrow, when I think of all my sorrow  
When I had you there but then I let you go  
And now it's only fair that I should let you know  
What you should know  
I can't live, if living is without you  
I can't live, I can't give anymore”  
(Mariah Carey)

March 1928

Next to him, in an immaculate bed in this room in Downton Cottage Hospital, lay his wife, barely clinging to life. She had been unconscious for two days in a row now. The doctors had refused to give him a prognosis. Would she live? Would she die? No one knew.   
Would he really be left alone to raise the two children? He felt so unable to face it. Living a life without his beloved Anna. What interest would life hold, if it was not for her presence by his side every morning? Yet he knew that he would have to face it, for the children’s sake.   
He had never before feared for her life. They had been torn apart several times, but he always knew that during these times, she was safe at Downton. Once he had thought that she had stopped loving him, but in the end they had found their way back together. The fear for her life, clutching like a cold grip inside his chest, was new to him. This deep and fierce love they had between them, was at the same time their greatest strength and their greatest weakness. Together they could take anything. Without her he was just the shadow of himself.   
Silently he leaned over her, took her translucent hand, rested his cheek on the back of it, and started softly crying, discharging all the hurt that had piled inside him for the last two days. He whispered in her ear: “Please Anna, don’t leave me. I cannot make it without you. Come back to me, my love. Please.”  
He shouldn’t have been there in the hospital room in the middle of the night. The nurse had tried to argue that visiting times applied to every one, and that he had to leave after 8 o’clock. But the look on his face had told her without words being spoken, that he did not intend to leave his wife’s bedside, when he did not know if she would make it to the next morning. Dr Clarkson had been summoned to tame the rogue husband, but he had instead given his permission. 

***

September 1927

In Lady Mary’s room, Anna was helping her mistress get dressed like every morning. While she was doing her hair, she breezily asked:  
\- Are you planning a trip to London in the upcoming weeks Milady?   
A little intrigued, Lady Mary raised her eyebrows and answered:  
\- Not particularly, why?  
Anna smiled shyly and said:  
\- Because… I think I might need to see Dr Ryder again soon.  
Lady Mary quickly turned around from the mirror and beamed:   
\- Oh, that’s wonderful news Anna!   
\- Yes, I agree Milady.   
\- I’ll telephone later and make an appointment.   
\- Oh but I can take care of that myself Milady, don’t worry.   
\- Alright then, I’ll let you handle this.   
Having finished doing the hair and sorting the jewels, Anna asked:  
\- Will that be all Milady?   
\- Yes, thank you Anna. And offer my congratulations to M. Bates.   
\- I will Milady, smiled Anna, before leaving the room. 

***

Later that day, Anna was helping Lady Mary change for dinner. As she was picking up the worn clothes and preparing to leave to drop them off to the laundry, Lady Mary called after her:  
\- So, did you call on Dr Ryder?   
\- Oh, yes Milady, I wanted to talk to you about that. I did call, and explained my request to his secretary. When I said I was coming from Yorkshire, she said Dr Ryder might recommend me to a colleague of his, a Dr Baker, who recently opened a practice in York. She said the man is very competent, and Dr Ryder and him are good friends, and have studied together, so he has every confidence in him. And it would be far more practical for me to have a doctor in York. So Dr Ryder will be sending me a letter of recommendation for this Dr Baker.   
\- Oh I see. How do you feel about this?   
\- Well, at first I wasn’t too glad, because I felt really confident in Dr Ryder. He saved our Johnny last time. But then I thought about it, and… I can see it makes more sense, to have a doctor in York, nearest to home, if I have to see him several times. It’s closer, it will be less tiring for me, … and also cheaper…   
\- You know cost is not a problem Anna.   
\- But it is Milady. As grateful as we are for everything you did for us, we cannot go on depending on you. We can afford to pay for the doctor in York, and we will. So anyway, I’m going to give him a try.   
\- Alright then, you will tell me how it goes. I’m interested.   
\- I will Milady. Thank you.

***  
October 1927

On a cool October morning, Anna and John were sitting in Dr Baker’s office in York. The doctor was carefully reading Dr Ryder’s letter, then put it down and looked at Anna:  
\- So, Mrs Bates, by my colleague’s letter, I gather that you suffer from cervical incompetence.   
\- Yes Doctor.   
\- How many miscarriages have you suffered to this day?  
Anna hesitated for a moment, casting a quick glance to her husband.  
\- … Four, Doctor.   
Bates turned quickly to look at her, surprised and a little hurt. He knew only of three.   
\- All before the birth of your son? continued the doctor.  
\- Three before, and one since. It happened too early for me to come and have the cervical cerclage done.   
\- I understand. How far along are you today?   
\- About two and a half months.   
\- So it seems indeed a good time to proceed to the intervention, since last time it had to be done in an emergency at three months. So, if you are ready for it, I think we could do it today.   
\- Alright Doctor, I’m ready.   
\- Fine. Before we go to the exam room, tell me Mrs Bates, how old are you?   
\- I am forty Doctor.   
\- I am afraid that late pregnancies like yours, I mean later than the age of thirty-five, tend to be more risky, both for mother and child. So I would advise we keep you under close watch. It so happens that we are opening a prenatal care unit at Downton Cottage Hospital, in partnership with York Royal County Hospital, where I will be consulting twice a month. So I think it would be wise that I check on you once a month from the fifth month on.   
Bates answered before Anna.   
\- Of course Doctor, we’ll come.  
\- So, if you would like to follow me now Mrs Bates.  
And he led her to the exam room next to the office. 

***

On the train back from York, they had found an empty cabin just for the two of them. Anna was looking out the window, while John was watching her silently with a worried and painful look on his face. After a few minutes, Anna felt his gaze on her, met his eyes and asked:  
\- Is anything the matter?   
\- Why didn’t you tell me about this miscarriage? When did it happen?   
\- Last spring, when Johnny was about fifteen months old. It was really early, I was only two weeks late, I didn’t want to bother you with it.   
\- Will it one day get under that thick skull of yours that I want you to bother me with that kind of things?! I thought we’d agreed on it, that you wouldn’t keep things from me anymore!  
\- You’re right, I’m sorry…   
\- I love you Anna. I am here to share your worries! I can’t bear to think of you coping on your own when I only want to support you.   
He took both her hands in his and looked straight into her eyes.   
\- Will you promise me, for real this time, that we’re done with the secrets?  
\- Yes John. I promise, she answered, looking like a schoolgirl being scolded by her teacher.   
\- And if anything goes wrong with this pregnancy, you’ll tell me right away?  
\- Yes.   
\- Truly?  
\- Truly.  
They kissed softly.   
\- I can’t say Dr Baker’s speech about late pregnancies didn’t worry me a bit…  
\- Come on, I’ll be alright. I was already over thirty-five when I had Johnny, and everything went fine!   
\- But I wish you wouldn’t be working as hard until the end this time. I’ll talk to Mrs Hughes about this.   
\- Oh please, don’t start to make a fuss now, when we have another six months to go!

*** 

Later that evening, as Anna was helping Lady Mary undress for the night, the Lady inquired about the doctor’s visit:  
\- So, Anna, how did it go with this Dr Baker?  
\- Very well Milady. He seems to be very competent. He did what had to be done. He told me there was to be a new prenatal care unit in Downton, and he wants to check on me there once a month after the fifth month.   
\- Oh yes I heard about that, Mama was talking about it the other day with Cousin Isobel. I think it is part of a bigger project to improve mothers’ and babies’ health in the area. So Dr Baker will have a practice in Downton?  
\- Yes Milady, twice a month.   
\- Well that’s good to know. Otherwise, did everything look fine to him, for you?  
\- It seemed so Milady. Although he gave us a lecture on the risks of what he calls “late pregnancies”. Obviously his talk got through to M. Bates, who is now all fussy about me working…  
Both chuckled.   
\- I can understand him… But… do you want to continue working?  
\- Well for now at least, yes Milady. I feel perfectly fine. Later on… well I don’t know.   
\- Here’s an idea. Why don’t you select one of the house maids and teach her, to be your replacement, if need be one day? That way if you need to stop, you won’t be worried about leaving me in the lurch. What do you think?  
\- It’s a good idea Milady. I’ll give it a thought. Will that be all Milady?  
\- Yes thank you Anna. Goodnight.   
\- Goodnight Milady.


	3. Chapter 3

“Tears, a tidal-wave of tears  
Light that slowly disappears  
Wait, before you close the curtain  
There's still another game to play  
And life is beautiful that way”  
(Noa)

March 1928

In the small hours of the morning, while Anna was still motionless, the nurse had come in with the baby.   
\- Hello M. Bates. Has she given signs of waking up?   
\- Hello nurse Pope. I’m afraid not.  
\- Don’t give up hope.  
\- I’m trying Nurse. I am. But it’s getting harder.  
\- I know M. Bates. I thought maybe you would like to give her bottle to your daughter? She’s a striving little girl you know.  
He looked at the baby with empty eyes. So he had a little girl. He had been so caught up in his despair that he hadn’t quite managed to grasp this new fact. The baby started stirring and making tiny sounds as the nurse put her in his arms. A rush of mixed feelings ran through him. A surge of love for this tiny perfect baby who looked just like her mother, entangled with a deep hurt that she might never be there to see her grow up. Tears wet his eyes again.   
The nurse handed him a small baby bottle. Thank God for the people who had recently invented baby formula, otherwise how would they have fed her, he thought. Anna had always breastfed Johnny, until he was able to eat other food, sneaking away to the nursery at regular hours during her days working at the Abbey. So he had never had to give a baby bottle before.   
\- Do you feel up to it M. Bates? asked Nurse Pope, tearing him out of his thoughts.  
\- Yes, I think so… Well anyway I have to learn, don’t I?  
She answered with a sympathetic smile.   
\- Just make sure she doesn’t drink it too fast, otherwise she will get an upset stomach.  
\- Alright Nurse.  
\- Well, I’ll leave you to it then. You can bring her back to the nursery when you want.  
\- Thank you Nurse.

When the baby had finished her bottle (he had a hard time complying to the nurse’s order that she was to drink it slowly, for she had quite an appetite), he put the bottle down on the bedside table, and looked her in the eyes. She looked back at him, with her serious newborn look.   
\- So, Leslie Anna, my precious little girl. I’m your daddy. You are very beautiful, do you know that? Just like your lovely mummy. She’s there, right beside us. She needs our help right now, will you help me to bring her back to us?  
He approached the bed, and carefully lay the tiny bundle by Anna’s side. He leaned over the both of them, and whispered in Anna’s ear:   
\- Hello my love. Do you feel her? She’s our new baby. She’s waiting to get to know her mummy. Please my darling, hang on. Don’t leave us alone. We need you in our lives.  
He left the baby by her mother’s side, softly cooing to her until she fell asleep again.   
A few moments later, the nurse came back, with Doctor Clarkson.   
\- Hello M. Bates. So, how is the baby doing?   
\- She looks healthy enough Doctor. She just finished a bottle.  
\- Fine. I am going to check on your wife, Nurse Pope will change her IV line, then she’ll take the baby back to the nursery to check on her too. Would you wait outside please? I will come back to you when I’m finished.  
\- Yes, thank you doctor.  
Bates got out of the room and found a seat in the hallway. He silently thanked heavens for modern medicine. Surgery, IV lines (those were quite new in the late 1920s), baby formula, all these things had allowed his wife and child to be still alive at this hour. Of course there was still a long way to go, but without the doctors and their artifact, Anna would have been dead for two days. And the baby probably too. It would surely cost them the best part of their savings, but he couldn’t care less. He was willing to get indebted to the end of his life if it would help save Anna.   
Ten minutes later, Dr Clarkson exited the room, and came towards Bates.   
\- So, M. Bates. I see that your wife has not yet given signs of waking up.   
\- No doctor. I have stood by her side since the beginning, and have seen no improvement.  
\- Well, that is where you may be mistaken. She may still be unconscious, but there are other signs for hope. Her blood pressure is slowly going up, and her heart rate is going down. Those are good signs. Her body is still fighting. It has been more than forty-eight hours now since the birth and the operation. I’m a bit more confident than yesterday. If things had gone for the worst, it would have already happened. Of course, I cannot be affirmative. Some other complications can still arise: infection, blood clots… But you shouldn’t give up hope.  
\- Thank you so much doctor. Your words are music to my ears.  
Dr Clarkson smiled at him, while the nurse made her exit from the room, holding the baby.   
\- So, I will be taking this little one to the nursery. We will come back and check on Mrs. Bates later in the day. If anything happens meanwhile, be sure to call us M. Bates.   
\- I surely will Nurse. Thank you.  
The doctor and the nurse left with the baby, while Bates re-entered the room, with a slightly lighter weight on his chest. There was still hope. 

***

January 1928

On a chilly afternoon, Anna and John Bates had braved the wind and the snow, and were sitting in the waiting room in the new Downton Prenatal Care Unit, waiting to see Dr Baker. It seemed that M. Bates was the only expectant father who had taken the trouble to come with his wife. Apart from him, the waiting room was filled only with pregnant ladies, and a few toddlers they had brought with them.   
A nurse called for Anna, and introduced them to an exam room.   
\- Hello Mrs Bates, I’m Nurse Jenkins. I will be doing your follow up before Dr Baker comes in.   
\- Alright.   
\- So, how far along are you?   
\- Six months now.  
\- Have you had any troubles to report: blood loss, pains, headaches, swelling of the ankles for example?  
\- No, nothing of the sort. I feel quite good actually, except for the ligaments pains, but it’s the same that I had for my first pregnancy.   
\- Do you feel the baby kicking?  
\- Oh yes, very often. It’s a real gymnast!  
\- Alright, very good. Now I’ll be taking your blood pressure, your weight, and also a urine sample. If you’ll follow me. 

When the nurse had done every check she was supposed to do, she left them in the exam room, waiting for Dr Baker. He arrived a few minutes later.   
\- Hello Mrs Bates, M. Bates.   
\- Hello Dr Baker.   
He started checking the form filled earlier by the nurse.   
\- So, I see that your blood pressure is perfectly fine, no protein or sugar in the urine sample. Everything looks quite good. Now I’ll check on the baby’s heartbeat.  
Anna lay down on the examination table, and Dr Baker put his Pinard stethoscope on her belly. He listened for quite a long time, putting the Pinard on different spots, at the same time feeling the baby’s bumps with his hands.   
After a while, Anna and John started to stare at each other with worried looks.   
At last Dr Baker took the Pinard off Anna’s belly. He frowned and looked at them.   
\- Well, Mrs Bates, M. Bates, I suspect that there is a new development to your situation.   
\- What? What is it Doctor, said John with a tiny trace of panic in his voice.   
\- I have quite a high suspicion… that you may be expecting twins Mrs Bates.”  
Anna inhaled sharply and clasped her hand on her mouth. John looked utterly bewildered.   
\- Twins?! Are you sure Doctor?  
\- Well, one can never be absolutely sure about these things before the birth. But as I said, I have a fairly high suspicion.  
Both stayed silent for a few moments, letting the news sink in. Bates recovered his speech ability first.   
\- So, Doctor… You told us last time about the risks related to my wife’s age. Won’t a twin pregnancy make it all the more risky?  
\- Well, I’m afraid you are right M. Bates. Twin pregnancies carry a higher rate of premature birth… as well as some other possible complications.   
\- But what can we do to lower that risk?  
\- I would first advise that Mrs Bates takes it easy on her job. Working too hard is the major risk for a premature labor. I would recommend not working at all past the seventh month. Otherwise there’s nothing much we can do, except continue to check on you regularly. Past the seventh month I will see you every two weeks. Oh, and it would be preferable if you gave birth here in the hospital, and not at home. That way if any intervention is needed, time will be saved.   
\- Alright Doctor. Thank you very much.

A few minutes later, they were left stunned in the snow, trying to get their heads wrapped around the news. 

***

Later that evening, Anna was sitting next to the child bed, softly singing a lullaby to Johnny who was quietly falling asleep. Her hand was gently stroking the toddler’s hair. When he was finally asleep, she went back down to the kitchen where John was finishing to lay the table for their dinner. 

\- Dinner’s ready Milady!  
Anna chuckled as she sat at the table.  
\- Good, because I’m quite hungry.   
\- So now are you supposed to eat for… three?  
\- Hold on M. Bates! I’ll just eat what I need for my appetite thank you.   
She held her glass and said:  
\- So, a toast to our babies?  
\- To our babies…, answered John lifting his glass to hers, smiling. If you go on like this, we might one day manage to have children all around us after all… he said with a mischievous grin.   
After eating in silence for a few minutes, he looked at her and said:  
\- Anna… I know you won’t like it, but what about what Dr Baker said, about the work?  
\- Ha, I wondered how long it would take you to bring that on the table!  
\- Well I’m sorry but as happy as I am, I’m worried about you. And the babies. So will you please take it easy? I’ll go and talk to Mrs Hughes tomorrow morning.   
\- There will be no need, thank you. I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I will go to see her and yes I will take it easy. I don’t like it but I can still see sense. I’m worried about the babies too you know.  
John looked relieved that Anna seemed to have decided to take the path of reason.   
\- Alright, very good. But still, can I come with you when you talk to her?  
Anna rolled her eyes and laughed.  
\- If you wish M. Bates! What an overprotective husband you make! For your information, we have already planned this weeks ago with Lady Mary. She has made me pick up and train my potential replacement should I stop working. So I chose Laura Nielson, one of the housemaids. She’s all briefed and ready to start whenever I need. So, you see, I’m not unreasonable.   
\- Alright Mrs Bates, I call myself defeated. You are perfect.  
\- Well I do know that, she said with a bright smile. My overprotective husband tells me that quite often.  
They laughed together. 

***

They both lay in bed, enjoying the quiet and the warmth of the cotton sheets. John was reading a paper, while Anna, who had her head resting on his shoulder, was purposefully stroking his stomach under his pyjamas. After a few minutes without obtaining any reaction from him, despite her efforts, she sighed and asked in a tone of mock exasperation:  
\- So, M. Bates, will you make love to your wife, or will she have to beg you?  
He looked up from his newspaper, surprised.  
\- What? Oh, hum, sure Mrs Bates, that would give me great pleasure! But… is it safe for the babies?  
\- Come on John, it’s three months until my due date, are you planning for us to live like brother and sister that long? Besides, Dr Baker didn’t say anything against lovemaking, she said, raising her eyebrows.   
\- I can’t say it would be an easy job to resist you, but if I had to, of course I would. Your health comes first.   
\- Well be reassured my love, I don’t think that will be necessary. Anyway, you do know how to be gentle, don’t you M. Bates? she said with a saucy look.   
\- I’m trying my best Milady. And he started kissing her. His hands soon found their way under her night dress, while hers started to undo the buttons on his pyjamas. 

***

At 4 o’clock the next afternoon, Lady Mary entered Mrs Hughes’s sitting room, where she was waiting with Anna and M. Bates.   
\- Oh, there you are Milady. Thank you for taking the time to come down to us, said Mrs Hughes.   
\- So, can you tell me now what this urgent matter was? answered Lady Mary. As I see that Anna and M. Bates are both here, I gather this has to do with you Anna?  
\- Yes indeed Milady, said Anna. We wanted to tell you. As you know, we went to see Dr Baker yesterday, and we had some quite unexpected news.  
\- The suspense is killing me, said Lady Mary raising her eyebrows.  
\- Well, Dr Baker seems to think that I’m expecting twins.   
\- Golly Anna! Twins! You sure like things done simple do you! How sure is the good doctor about that?  
\- He said he had a fairly high suspicion.  
\- Alright… Well I guess I can say congratulations to both of you!  
\- Thank you milady, answered Bates. We are really thrilled.   
\- You do realize you won’t be getting a fair night’s sleep for months to come, Bates? Lady Mary said with a smirk.  
\- Oh, I’m already not a great sleeper, so I guess it won’t make a big difference, he grinned.   
\- So Anna, said Lady Mary turning back to her maid, I guess you summoned this assembly to discuss your working arrangements?   
\- Well, yes indeed Milady. For the moment I feel quite well, but Dr Baker did advise that I should not work past the seventh month. So that gives us a month to organize the transition with Ms Nielson.   
\- I see. How about, for the next month, you come working three days a week, and rest the other days? That way you can still supervise Nielson’s work, but you won’t be doing any of the heavy tasks. And in a month she’ll be all set to take on full time. Or sooner if you wish.   
\- It seems perfectly fine to me Milady. That’s very kind of you.   
\- Do you agree with our plan Mrs Hughes? asked Lady Mary.   
\- If it suits you, it suits me Milady, answered the housekeeper.   
\- Then we’re all agreed. I’ll leave you to brief Nielson, Mrs Hughes.   
\- We will surely Milady. Thank you.   
\- Anna, M. Bates, do you give me permission to break the news to his Lordship? He’ll be so pleased.   
\- If you wish Milady, answered Bates with a proud smile.   
\- So, good afternoon to you all, said Lady Mary as she exited the sitting room.   
\- Good afternoon Milady, responded all three of them.   
When she had left, Anna turned to John, and asked with a mocking smile:   
\- So, has my overprotective husband something to object to this plan?   
\- Not a thing, my beloved wife, answered Bates on the same tone.   
\- Well, interrupted Mrs Hughes, I think we are all good with demonstrations of affection, thank you! It is time everyone got back to work! Anna, will you go fetch Ms Nielson, so that we can discuss all this with her?  
\- I’m going now Mrs Hughes, said Anna  
\- And M. Bates I think you won’t be needed here anymore, you can proceed to your own tasks.   
\- I ’ll leave you to it Mrs Hughes, thank you.  
And they both left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

“She may be the reason I survive  
The why and wherefore I'm alive  
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years  
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears  
And make them all my souvenirs  
Oh where she goes I've got to be  
The meaning of my life is She”  
(Elvis Costello)

March 1928

Later in the morning, Lord and Lady Grantham, accompanied by Lady Mary, arrived at the hospital to visit Anna. When the nurse had introduced them in her room, they found Bates dozing in the armchair, Anna’s hand still in his. He jerked awake at the sound of their arrival, stood up and tried hastily to tidy himself, but he couldn’t hide the fact that he had not slept nor changed for three days.   
Lord Grantham went to him, put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and said:  
\- Bates, my dear fellow… We are so sorry for you… We won’t bother you long, but we wanted to come and offer you our support in these days of struggle.  
\- Thank you Milord, Miladies. This is very much appreciated.   
\- How is she? What happened? Doctor Clarkson wouldn’t tell us anything…   
\- She had a hemorrhage after they got the second baby out. They had to operate on her to stop the bleeding. It worked, but since then she has been unconscious. They say she lost a lot of blood. But Dr Clarkson seemed more optimistic this morning, he says her blood pressure is going up and that it’s a good sign.   
\- God… I hope he’s right, said Lady Mary, who was having a hard time concealing her red eyes. And what about the babies?   
\- Unfortunately the cesarean section came too late to save the second baby… But the first one is doing fine. She’s in the nursery.   
\- My goodness, Bates, we’re so sorry… sighed Lord Grantham.   
\- How did you name the baby? asked Lady Mary  
\- Her name is Leslie Anna, Milady, answered Bates.   
\- Oh it’s such a beautiful name, she smiled. She then noticed the dark patches under his eyes, the beard that had grown untamed for three days, and his scruffy clothes. She continued:  
\- Bates, you look terrible. You haven’t slept in almost three days. Go home and have a lie down. Eat something, get fresh clothes. It won’t do her any good if you collapse from exhaustion.   
\- I won’t leave her alone Milady, he answered stubbornly.  
\- Well then I’ll stay with her. She won’t be alone. I promise. Order him Papa! she instructed to her father.   
\- Lady Mary’s right Bates. You look like a vagabond. Go rest, and come back clean. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for her.  
Lady Mary went to sit in the armchair with a pointed look on her face.   
\- Come on Bates. You go. You go back in the car with my parents.  
Bates finally reluctantly accepted, feeling he had no choice but to comply to the order.   
\- I won’t be long Milady.   
\- It’s alright Bates. I’ll be looking after her.  
\- I know you will Milady. This is very kind of you.   
\- So come on Bates. Let’s go, said Lord Grantham.   
Bates planted a soft kiss on Anna’s forehead, and whispered in her ear:  
\- I’ll be back very soon my love.  
And he turned to follow Lord and Lady Grantham to the car. 

***

March 1928 (three days earlier)

As January slipped to February, then to March, winter slowly turned into a wet spring. Despite her having stopped working, Anna still went up to the Abbey everyday with John. In the first place because she didn’t like to stay on her own all day at the cottage (Johnny was still spending a good part of his days in the nursery with Miss Sybbie, Master Georges, and Miss Caroline. The four of them formed quite a gang), and also because Bates was too worried to leave her on her own, lest anything happened during the day, and she had no one to call for help.   
The usual ten minutes walk changed into fifteen, then twenty with the progression of Anna’s pregnancy, but still she managed it.   
John had somehow laid his hands on a big and comfortable rocking chair, which he had deposited in front of the fire in the servant's hall. This was where Anna spent most of her hours, helping Nielson with some mending or sewing as much as she could, or when there was no need, reading or knitting baby’s clothes, or friendly chatting with the rest of the staff. She was joking that soon would come a day when she would get stuck in this armchair and never be able to get up again.   
Lady Mary regularly called on her, on some false pretext of a matter that Nielson couldn't solve, but in fact, they both knew it was only to enjoy a little time of chit-chatting. As good-willing as Nielson was, Lady Mary had not the complicity and shared history with her that she enjoyed with Anna.   
Anna was still complying to her frequent visits to Dr Baker, who had a few days earlier congratulated her for managing to hit eight months seemingly without trouble. According to him, everything looked fine. 

On this late March morning, Anna was to be found in her usual place, finishing a little baby cardigan, when she started wincing with pain, at what seemed to become more and more close intervals. After checking the time several times on her little watch, she decided that this was it, and called out to Mrs Hughes who was just passing by.   
\- Mrs Hughes, please!  
\- Yes Anna, is anything the matter?   
\- I think so yes.   
Mrs Hughes noticed her sweaty brow and understood right away what the matter was.  
\- Oh dear, is it beginning?   
\- It might be, said Anna wincing once again. Would you please go fetch M. Bates?   
\- I’m going right now.

Mrs Hughes soon found Bates in Lord Grantham’s dressing room, and told him what was going on.   
“Thank you Mrs Hughes, I’ll go ask his Lordship permission to take her to the hospital.”  
He took a deep breath before going down to the drawing room where he thought he might find his employer. He was excited, sure, but at the same time anxiety was overwhelming him like a tidal wave. He rubbed his hands on his face, trying to shake those nasty feelings away. Everything was going to be fine. He couldn’t show himself weak in front of Anna, when she was the one who would have to face the ordeal of giving birth, hopefully twice…   
He knocked lightly on the drawing room’s door. As he was invited to enter, he found that Lord Grantham was with Branson and Lady Mary discussing some project for the estate.   
The three of them stopped their conversation and turned to him.   
\- I’m so sorry to bother you Milord, but it seems Anna is going into labor, so I wanted to ask you permission to take her to the hospital.  
\- Oh, yes of course Bates. I’ll ring for a motor, said Lord Grantham affably.  
But Branson intervened:  
\- Why don’t I take them myself? Come on Bates, it’ll be my pleasure.   
\- Alright, if you wish, said Lord Grantham.   
\- Well go on then Bates, hurry up, go fetch her! said Lady Mary. And she added, in a gentler voice:  
All our best wishes go with you. And don’t worry about your son, we’ll keep him in the nursery as long as necessary.   
\- Thank you Milady, answered Bates, bowing before her. As he made his exit, he noticed that Lady Mary seemed a bit anxious herself.


	5. Chapter 5

‘I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour  
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before  
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too  
No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me  
Since you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me  
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with  
Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst I’m best with you”  
(The Rembrandts)

March 1928

Once they were gone, Lady Mary turned to Anna, and finally let her tears flow freely. She might be too proud to express her feelings in front of her parents, but alone with Anna, she recognized willingly that she was more than just a servant to her. In more than fifteen years of shared life, she had become someone very close to a friend. They had shared so many secrets, so many troubles between them, all their respective ups and downs, that a deep bond had formed between the two of them during all those years.   
\- Oh Anna… she cried, taking her hand like Bates had done just before. Don’t you dare leave us. You must fight. Your poor husband, look at the state of him. And your babies. You are loved you know. You cannot let it go.  
She opened her little purse, and reached for her lucky charm. The same small stuffed dog that she had given to Matthew Crawley all those years before, when he had been leaving for the war. She put it under her pillow and said shakily:  
\- There, you have it. It worked bringing Matthew back from France. I hope it works to bring you back from wherever you are now.

***

A few hours later, as Lady Mary was still keeping Anna company, Mrs Hughes and M. Carson arrived in their turn to pay a visit to Anna.   
They looked astonished to find Lady Mary next to her when they entered the room.   
\- Oh, good afternoon Milady, said Carson. We thought we would find M. Bates here rather than you…  
\- Yes, I came this morning with his Lordship and her Ladyship, and I sent Bates home to rest a few hours. The poor man looked so ghastly…   
\- This is very kind of you Milady, said Carson, who had always been very endeared with Lady Mary, something his wife had trouble to understand.   
\- So, how is she Milady? asked Mrs Hughes. The staff downstairs are eager for some news… Anna is very much appreciated.   
\- So is she upstairs, answered Lady Mary with a sad smile. Why is it always the best people who get all the misery. She didn’t deserve that… Anyway, from what Bates told us this morning, she had a hemorrhage after giving birth. They barely managed to save her by doing some kind of operation, and there she is… She has not woken up since… And there is only one baby left.   
\- Oh dear God, moaned Mrs Hughes. You are right Milady when you say they don’t deserve this. Poor M. Bates…  
After pausing a few seconds, she added:  
\- Would you like to go and rest Milady? I can take your place and watch her until M. Bates comes back.   
\- Thank you Mrs Hughes, but that won’t be necessary. I promised him I would stay until he comes back, and so will I.   
\- Alright Milady. Then we will leave you. We do not want to overcrowd the room.   
\- Thank you Mrs Hughes. You can go.  
While Mrs Hughes turned to leave the room, Carson told her:   
\- You wait for me outside a few minutes. I’ll be right with you.  
Mrs Hughes cast him an interrogative look, but did as he wished without objecting.   
Carson cautiously approached Lady Mary, looked at her, while she was averting his gaze. He said in a soft voice:  
\- Milady, I can see that you are very distressed. I know you are very fond of Anna.   
\- Oh Carson… she answered with a cracking voice. She is my best friend you know. I don’t want to lose her.  
The tears she was trying to hold back were again flowing on her cheeks. As he had done several times in the past years, in times of sorrow, he opened his arms to offer her a hug of comfort. She gratefully accepted it and wept in his arms. 

***

March 1928 (three days earlier)

John Bates felt like it had been days since he had started waiting in this corridor outside the delivery room where Anna was giving birth. He would have given anything to be able to go in there and hold her hand, but the doctor had not given permission. So there he was, consuming with worry, walking the hall back and forth, trying to soothe his breath and not think about the worst.   
He could hear Anna groaning and sometimes even yelling out, but after all she was in labor, so that was quite normal…   
After a few hours, that seemed a century to him, the groaning seemed to stop for a little while. Soon a nurse came out to him and showed him the tiniest little human he had ever seen.   
\- Congratulations M. Bates, you have a daughter.   
\- Oh God… a daughter, he repeated as tears wet his eyes. Is she alright? Is my wife alright? … Is there another baby?   
\- This little one seems alright indeed. And yes, there is another baby, which is why I have to take this one quickly to the nursery to be taken care of, and go back right away to get ready for the second one.   
\- Thank you so much Nurse, I won’t hold you then.  
The nurse swiftly went away with the baby, and passed him again when going back into the delivery room.   
The groaning was starting again. After a while though, he thought that the sound of Anna’s voice was getting fainter and fainter. He didn’t know if this was a good sign or a bad one. No one was coming to him, so he guessed that the second baby still was not born. What it supposed to be so long? He was beginning to think that he would go mad with worry, when Dr Baker emerged from the delivery room, not holding any baby. This immediately struck him as a bad omen.   
Dr Baker came to him and started explaining:  
\- M. Bates, I’m sorry but the second baby’s birth is not going as it should. It seems the baby is in a transverse position in the womb, and therefore cannot go down. Your wife is getting exhausted. The longer we wait, the higher the risk is that the baby does not survive. We have to move her to the operation theater, and do a cesarean section to get the baby out. As quickly as possible.   
\- Oh Lord, no… moaned Bates. He then quickly collected himself, and firmly told Dr Baker: Do what you have to do Doctor. Please, do everything you can, save my wife. Save my child.   
\- We will do our best M. Bates. I promise.  
And he went away quickly to the operation theater.   
A few minutes later, the nurses came out of the delivery room, taking Anna in the same direction. He managed to get a quick glimpse of her. She looked pale and utterly worn out. She saw him and cried:  
\- Oh John… The baby…  
He caught her hand and quickly whispered to her:  
\- Everything will be alright my darling, you’re doing great. I love you. I’ll see you soon.   
The nurses interrupted him with a stern look.  
\- Please M. Bates, we must hurry, get out of our way.  
And they left him behind.   
He yelled again as Anna was being taken away:  
\- Anna! I love you…  
He hoped it would give her strength.   
And then he found himself alone again in the gloomy corridor. 

***

Hours passed. Darkness had fallen outside the windows. A strange kind of numbness had taken over John Bates, still alone in the hospital corridor. Like it was easier not to feel anything, than to feel the fear and panic that threatened to take him over. Where was Anna? Was she still alive? Was the baby born?   
At last, just when he thought he was going to go look for someone in search of information, Dr Baker appeared again at the end of the corridor. He looked tired, and worried. When Bates saw him he jumped to his feet and went to meet him as fast as his sore leg could take him.   
\- Doctor! How is she? What’s going on?!  
\- M. Bates, I’m afraid I’m not bringing good news…   
A cold hand started gripping on John Bates’s throat.   
\- What is it?! Please Doctor tell me.   
\- We took your wife to the operation theater in order to perform a cesarean section, because the second baby would not come down. We did perform it, but unfortunately it was too late. The baby didn’t make it. It was stillborn.   
\- Oh Lord… sighed Bates. But, how come it took so long, how is my wife, is she alright?   
\- Well, there was another complication. After we had removed the baby from the womb, Mrs Bates started bleeding. A lot. The only thing we could do to stop it, was perform an emergency hysterectomy.   
\- A… what? said Bates bewildered. What is that?  
\- That is, we had to remove her uterus, so that it would stop the bleeding. It was the only way we could save her. Otherwise she was going to bleed to death.   
\- So, she’s…   
\- She’s alive, yes… but barely. She lost a lot of blood. She’s unconscious right now.   
\- Will she live?   
\- M. Bates, I’m afraid I cannot make any promises at the time being. We have to wait and see how things go. The next hours will be decisive.  
Bates felt that his whole world was slowly shattering before his eyes. He couldn't lose her. It was not possible. In a strange haze, he heard the doctor talking again.   
\- As I said, we have removed her uterus. You do understand that it means there can be no other children.  
No other children. Right now he couldn’t care less about that. He just wanted her back. How could he wish to have other children if it meant risking her life again.   
\- Yes Doctor I understand, he answered distractedly.   
\- If you would come with me, I will show you to her room.  
\- Thank you Doctor.   
\- I’m very sorry M. Bates. We really did all we could. I wish it hadn’t turned this way.   
\- I’m sure you did Doctor. Thank you.  
And he started following the doctor, his feet feeling like two leaden weights.


	6. Chapter 6

“Just call me angel of the morning, baby  
Just touch my cheek before you leave me   
Just call me angel of the morning baby  
And slowly turn away from me”  
(The pretenders)

March 1928

The afternoon was ending when John Bates had resumed his place near Anna’s bed. Lady Mary had gone back home in time for tea. He did feel a bit better, having dozed for a couple of hours. He had then shaved, changed into clean clothes. He had taken the time to go and see his son at Downton Abbey’s nursery, and explain to him why he had not seen his mummy nor his daddy for three long days. He had had a hard time answering when the little boy, cradled in his arms, had asked when mummy was coming back. But the child had seemed happy to know that he had now a little sister. John promised him that he would take him to see her and his mummy as soon as it would be possible.   
He was then again seated next to Anna, holding in his hand a certificate and a little photograph that Nurse Pope had brought a few minutes ago. The burial was planned three days later.   
Bates sighed and took his wife’s hand in his.   
\- She was beautiful you know. I wish you could have seen her. She was so sweet…  
He suddenly jumped when he thought he had felt a squeeze on his hand. He wondered if he was going mad, if he had imagined this.   
\- Anna? Anna! he called softly but urgently. He felt her squeeze again. He wasn’t imagining. She was really responding to his call! He felt his chest would burst with the swelling of his heart. He was laughing and crying at the same time.   
\- Anna? Do you hear me?  
She was blurry behind his tears, but he saw her eyes flickering for a few seconds, and then half-opening. His heart was pounding so hard he thought it would just explode with joy.   
\- John… she said with a hoarse voice. It was no more than the faintest of whispers, but he heard it clearly enough.   
\- Yes, yes my love! I’m here with you!  
She passed her tongue on her crackled lips, and whispered again:   
\- … Drink…  
\- Drink, yes, you want to drink, sure.  
He let go of her hand to turn around and grab the glass of water that was waiting on the bedside table.   
\- There you go sweetheart.  
He passed his arms around her shoulders, to help her sit up a little. She took two tiny sips, and closed her eyes again.   
\- So… tired… she said with difficulty.   
\- I know my love, you are very tired, it's alright. You take as much time as you need. I’ll be right there, I’ll be waiting.  
And he laid her back on the pillow, where she drifted back to sleep. He rested his head on the sheet next to her hip, sobbing with relief. A few minutes later, exhaustion had taken its toll, and he was sound asleep in the chair, his head still on the bed. 

***

March 1928 (two days earlier)

When he entered for the first time in the room where they had put Anna after the surgery, John Bates thought that his heart would break into a million pieces. Her skin, usually already pale, was whiter than the bed-sheets. In fact she looked like she was made of candle wax. Her blond hair had lost its usual shine, and she had two dark purple patches under her closed eyes. The fine features of her face were thinner than usual, and her cheeks were hollow. At first he didn’t dare touch her, he was so afraid that she would break under his clumsy hands. The only clue that she was still alive was the faintest breathing that was coming and going through her nose.   
\- Oh, Anna… I’m so sorry… he whispered before breaking into tears.   
The remaining hours of the night passed around him like a dark tunnel. Dawn broke outside, and light started to flood the hospital room, but John Bates was still imprisoned inside this dark tunnel. He was remembering how happy he was just twenty-four hours earlier, and wondering why things had gone so wrong for them. Why them again? Couldn’t fate just leave them in peace for once? Hadn’t they already gone through enough misery for one whole existence? He did not believe in God, but he sometimes wondered if there was a devil out there, who liked to torture them for fun… 

At seven o’clock, a nurse came in.   
\- Hello M. Bates, I’m Nurse Pope. I will be checking on Mrs Bates.   
\- Alright Nurse.  
Before proceeding, the nurse hesitated before turning to him again.   
\- M. Bates… I’m sorry, this will be difficult, but… the second baby. Dr Baker has filled out a stillbirth certificate, but we have no name for her. And… would you like to see her, before… before the undertaker takes her?  
Bates looked at her almost surprised. Oh, yes, the babies. In his grief he had almost forgotten about them. He realized that he hadn’t even been told that the second baby was also a girl. Did he want to see her? Why, yes of course. How he would bring himself to let her be taken away by an undertaker he didn’t know, but he couldn’t let her go without saying goodbye. And he had to learn what she looked like, so he could tell Anna. 

Half an hour later, he was standing in a small room outside the nursery. He could hear babies crying next door. He tried to shut the noises out when the nurse came in holding a very very tiny bundle.   
\- There she is M. Bates. Would you like to hold her?  
She was even smaller than the baby he had seen the night before. His first instinctive thought was that he might hurt her if he tried to hold her, but then reality hit him bitterly, that he could not do anything wrong to her anyway. So he took her, and looked at her eagerly, trying to make a mental memory of her tiny face, as precise as he could, so that when Anna asked, he could describe her.   
As if she could read his mind, the nurse told him softly:  
\- If you wish M. Bates, we can have a photographer come this morning, and take a photograph of her. So that you can always remember her. Would you like it?  
Bates felt relieved at that suggestion. If they had a photograph, then he wouldn’t be afraid to forget her. Anna would be able to see her face with her own eyes, and his words would not be the only way to remember her. He was too afraid to fail at describing her accurately.   
\- Yes Nurse, please, I would like it done.   
\- Alright, I will call him right away. And have you thought of a name for this little princess?  
Unfortunately he and Anna had not made any firm decisions about names. They had discussed it many times, but never could agree on two girls’ names and two boys’ names. So they had left the subject open. And now he had to decide on his own. “This little princess”… the nurse’s word reminded him of the other real little princess who had been born a couple of years earlier. So he turned to his daughter and said:  
\- Elizabeth… I want to name her Elizabeth.   
\- Very good, said the nurse. Dr Clarkson will complete the forms and then we will bring them to you, with the photograph.  
\- Thank you Nurse.   
\- Now, I’m afraid I will have to take her back M. Bates.   
\- Yes, of course. I understand.  
He kissed the baby very softly on the top of her head and whispered to her tiny ear:   
\- Goodbye my darling Elizabeth. We will always remember you. We will always love you. You will always be our little angel.  
And he gave her back to the nurse while a lone tear ran down his cheek. 

Back in the hallway, as he started making his way to go back to Anna’s room, he passed before a large glassed wall, behind which he could see several babies. So this was the nursery. He suddenly remembered that he had another child, waiting there, who had not been named either. He waited for another nurse to come out of the nursery and asked:  
\- Please Nurse?  
\- Yes Sir? You are?  
\- I’m John Bates. My wife gave birth yesterday and my daughter is supposed to be in there with you. Might I be allowed to see her please?   
\- Well you can’t go in there, it’s only for staff, but I will bring her here to you for a few minutes.  
\- Thank you Nurse.  
The nurse went back inside to collect the baby, and brought her to him in her little wheeled crib. He looked at the small cardboard chart attached to the crib, that read “Baby Girl Bates”, along with her date of birth, size and weight.   
\- So we are going to need a name for this baby M. Bates. Have you decided?   
\- Not yet Nurse. Would you leave me a few minutes with her, to make up my mind?  
The nurse sighed and said:   
\- Alright, five minutes. But don’t move from here. I’ll come back.  
And she went back into the nursery. This nurse was much less friendly than Nurse Pope, he thought to himself. He focused himself on the baby. She was asleep, all pink-cheeked and healthy. It made a nice change to him. He managed a small smile when he put his little finger in her hand and she seized it firmly.   
\- So, little girl, how am I going to name you? It is a big responsibility… We don’t want to displease your mummy.  
He tried to recall the last times they had spoken about names. Anna had said that she liked the name Leslie, after her older sister.   
He mouthed the name, just to listen to its musicality.   
\- Leslie…  
The baby suddenly pulled hard on his finger.   
\- Yes? Leslie, you like it? Good, so you will be Leslie Anna.

Five minutes later, the grim-faced nurse had taken Leslie Anna back to the nursery, having scribbled down the name on the chart. Bates found himself once again alone in a corridor, and started making his way back to Anna’s room.   
When he had found it, he sat himself in the armchair next to her, and started the longest wait in his entire life.


	7. Chapter 7

“Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you  
I'll stand by you  
And when, when the night falls on you, baby  
You're feelin' all alone  
You won't be on your own  
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you”  
(The Pretenders)

March 1928

Around midnight, as darkness and silence had fallen upon the hospital, John Bates was awakened by the touch of a hand caressing his cheek. He was feeling it in his dream, and enjoying the soft stroke, but then he woke up and realized that Anna really was caressing his cheek. When he opened his eyes and lifted his sore neck, he saw her, in the dim light coming from the bedside lamp, watching him and smiling at him. He put his own hand on the back of hers, and turned his head to kiss her soft palm.   
He kept watching her, in awe, tears flowing freely, unable to say anything, for several minutes. When he finally managed to get a grip on himself, he took his handkerchief from his pocket, dried his face, and beamed at her:   
\- Oh my God Anna… You gave me such a fright… I thought I’d lost you.   
\- Sshhh, she said softly. I’m here now.   
\- I’m so happy my darling. So, so happy!  
She started to look at their surroundings, frowning as she was trying to remember what had brought her here in a hospital. Slowly she seemed to realize, and brought her free hand to her belly, where she felt that there was no baby anymore. She looked at John, alarmed:  
\- John, what happened? Tell me! I don’t remember anything… Where is the baby?  
She hesitated for a few seconds and added:  
\- … Babies?  
\- We have a little girl my love. She’s doing fine, she’s in the nursery right now.   
\- So… There was only one baby after all? Dr Baker got it wrong? she asked.   
Oh how he wished he could tell her that yes, there had been only one baby from the beginning. How easy it would be, to spare her the suffering he had gone through for the last three days. But he couldn’t do that. For one, everyone outside already knew about the stillborn baby, so there was no point in trying to hide it from her. And besides, they had promised to each other. No more secrets.   
So he sighed, and started reluctantly:  
\- No my darling… Dr Baker was right. There were two babies. There was another little girl… I’m so sorry Anna.  
She moaned softly and closed her eyes. Tears were running down her white cheeks. After a moment, she opened her eyes again. She tried to turn herself on her side, and winced with pain. She felt her belly with her hand, and met the large bandage that was covering her scar.   
\- What happened John? Please, tell me everything. I need to know everything.

A few minutes later, he had told her the whole story of these horrific last three days. Anna had listened intently, her gaze locked in his. When he was finished, she passed a hand on her eyes to brush the tears away, and asked in a trembling voice:  
\- So… did you see her? How was she?   
\- Yes, I did see her a few minutes before the nurse took her. She was so small… She looked like a tiny doll… A beautiful tiny doll.  
\- Did you tell her we loved her?   
\- Yes. I did. I told her we would never forget her.   
\- God, I wish I could have held her… It seems so strange to miss so much someone you’ve never even met…  
\- I know darling. I know. If it may help, I had a photograph taken.   
\- You did?? she said with an eager look on her face  
\- Yes I did.  
And he handed her the tiny picture and the certificate.   
She took both, and started studying intensely the photograph. She broke into tears again.   
After a while, when she found her voice again, she whispered:  
\- You’re right… She was beautiful. She did look like a tiny little doll… Oh my baby…  
She then turned her focus on the stillbirth certificate, and started reading it.   
\- Elizabeth…  
She looked up to John and asked him:  
\- Why did you choose this name? I can’t remember us having ever mentioned it?   
\- Well, it was something the nurse said. She said she was our little princess. So I chose a princess’s name… Don’t you like it?   
\- Yes, I do. It’s perfect. Thank you John. For being there for her. I love you.   
\- I love you too. So, so much. I can’t tell you how it hurt to think that I might be left without you.   
\- Oh, I think I can imagine…  
She had already experienced the fear of losing him, and she remembered all too well how it felt…   
\- John… the other baby? How is she?  
John couldn’t help but smile in spite of the hurt.   
\- Oh she’s so lovely. She looks just like you. She’s a striving little thing!   
\- And did you choose a name for her too?  
\- Yes, I did. Her name is Leslie Anna.  
It warmed her heart that he had chosen the name that she had wanted. She smiled and took his hand to bring it to her lips and put a light kiss on it.   
\- Thank you for that too… I wish I could see her though. Do you think you could go and ask for her in the nursery?   
\- Ooh, I don’t know, it’s the middle of the night, and I can tell you the nurse who guards the nursery is quite a challenge… But I’m sure Nurse Pope will bring her here for her morning bottle like she did yesterday. So until then let’s just enjoy those few hours by ourselves.   
\- Alright… I guess I can wait a few hours. But… would you come near me? Keep me warm?  
And she shifted herself a little to the side of the bed, so there was room for him. He looked at her hesitantly:   
\- … You want me to lie on the bed with you?  
She nodded with a weak smile.   
\- Alright… But if I ever get caught by a nurse, I’m sure they’ll expel me from your room forever…   
\- And aren’t you willing to take a little risk for me? You’ll just have to go back to the chair before they come in. No one will know. I need to feel you close. Really John.  
His heart melted at the sound of his name. How could he refuse this when it was all he wanted to feel her close too… So he carefully lay himself on the bed, on his side so that he wouldn’t take too much space. He slipped his arm under her shoulders, took Anna’s head in the crook of his neck, his chin resting on the top of her head, and held her very close, inhaling the scent of her hair. Oh God how good it felt. She rested her hand on his chest and closed her eyes again. She was back where she belonged. 

***

At about 6:30 in the morning, John Bates woke up to the sounds of nurses talking in the corridor. He swiftly got his arm out from under his sleeping wife, tumbled down from the bed, quickly tightened the sheets, and therefore was found totally innocently seated in the chair when Nurse Pope entered the room for her early morning check. He felt as good as if he had slept a fortnight.   
\- Hello M. Bates! So, any news this morning?  
\- Hello Nurse! Well, indeed, there are news, he answered with the largest smile on his face. She’s sleeping right now, but Anna woke up last night. We talked for a moment before she fell asleep again.   
\- Oh, what great news! Did she seem focused when you were talking?  
\- Yes Nurse, absolutely. She asked me what had happened, so I told her.   
\- Alright. Now I have to go and inform Dr Clarkson at once. And I will bring back your daughter so they can meet!   
\- That would be very kind Nurse, Anna was asking for her, last night.  
\- I’ll be right back.

Anna had opened her eyes at the sound of the nurse’s and John’s voices. John saw her and leaned over to whisper in her ear:  
\- Good morning love. Did you hear? Nurse Pope has gone to fetch Leslie Anna.   
\- I can’t wait, said Anna with a weak smile.  
A few minutes later, Dr Clarkson entered the room with a bright smile.   
\- So, Mrs Bates, Nurse Pope tells me that you are back with us! What a good news!  
\- Yes Doctor, said Anna. But I don’t think I have ever felt that exhausted in my entire life…   
\- Well I can’t say that it surprises me in the least. You do know that you had a hemorrhage after the cesarean section? You almost bled to death, so it will take some time to recover. M. Bates, would you mind waiting outside while I check on your wife?   
\- Yes Doctor of course.  
When Bates had gone out, Dr Clarkson started examining Anna. He listened to her heart, lungs, checked the scar on her abdomen, took her pulse and her blood pressure. When he was done, he looked quite pleased, and said:  
\- Well Mrs Bates, everything seems to look brighter this morning. Today I want you to drink regularly, and this afternoon if you feel up to it you will be able to eat a little. As soon as you can drink enough fluid in the day, we will remove the IV line.  
He then sat himself next to Anna, and looked at her seriously:  
\- Mrs Bates, I gather your husband has already explained to you what has happened during your childbirth. Have you quite well understood what Dr Baker has performed on you? You were having a serious hemorrhage, and your life was in danger. He had to do a hysterectomy. There was no other choice in order to save you. That means that he has removed your uterus. Do you understand what that implies?  
Anna’s lips were trembling.   
\- Yes, I think I do Doctor. It means I can never get pregnant again…   
\- I’m afraid you are right Mrs Bates. I’m sorry.   
\- Well, as you said there was no other choice. I will have to thank Dr Baker whenever I can, for saving my life.  
She was obviously trying to be brave in front of Dr Clarkson, but her quivering voice was giving her away.   
\- So, I will leave you in peace with your husband now. Nurse Pope will soon bring your daughter in. Remember, try to drink as much as you can.   
\- I will try Doctor. Thank you so much.

***

\- So, I’m told someone in here is very much waiting for you, little Leslie Anna Bates! said Nurse Pope playfully when she entered Anna’s room with the little crib.   
Anna’s face lightened up, and she tried to sit herself up in the bed, in order to see her better.   
\- Now, now Mrs Bates, we don’t want to exhaust you already. Lie down please. Look, if you turn yourself on your side like this, I can put her right there in the crook of your arm.   
\- Thank you Nurse.  
The baby was comfortably laid in her mother’s arm. Anna closed her eyes and inhaled deeply her sweet baby scent. She lifted her gaze, shining with happy tears, to John, who was looking at them with the proudest look on his face.   
\- You were right John. She is so beautiful…   
\- See? I told you she looked just like you! he said joyfully.   
\- Well, Mrs Bates, M. Bates, I will leave you three to get acquainted. I leave the bottle for you to give her, you know how to do now M. Bates?   
\- Of course Nurse. Thank you. We’ll see you later.

At midday, after they had spent all morning getting to know their little girl, cuddling, kissing and talking, Anna managed to drink a whole cup of tea and eat two biscuits.   
As she was resting in her bed, watching John walking around the room trying to get the baby to sleep, she asked:  
\- John, would you go to the Abbey and bring Johnny back? I want to see him. I want him to see his sister. He must miss us so terribly, poor darling…  
\- Sure. But, do you feel up to it? You know he can be… tumultuous sometimes…   
\- I don’t care, I want to see my little boy. I’m sure he will behave.   
\- Alright Darling, I’ll go get him. What do you want me to say to the others? If anyone wants to come? Lady Mary spent a whole afternoon with you yesterday, she forced me to go home to sleep and change, and she stood by you all the time I was gone.   
\- Dear Lady Mary, she smiled, she’s always bragging that she doesn’t have a heart, but it is so untrue. She just hides it very well…   
\- So, what do you want me to tell her if she wants to come back with me? And if the others ask? Mrs Hughes? Lord and Lady Grantham?   
\- Just Lady Mary if she wants. You can tell anyone else I’m still too tired for visits.  
\- Do you want me to bring Leslie Anna back to the nursery?   
\- Are you kidding? I have three lost days to catch up with her! She’s not leaving here.   
\- Your wish is my command my darling. So I’ll get going and come back as quick as I can with Johnny.

Later in the afternoon, the petulant child was running in the hospital corridor calling after his mother. When he entered the room with his father, he exclaimed “Mummy!”, and threw himself at her.   
\- Now, Johnny, said Bates, remember what I told you before we came? Mummy has been ill, she’s still very tired, so you have to be careful with her…   
\- Yes Daddy!  
\- So, for one, you don’t jump at Mummy’s bed!  
\- Sorry Mummy…  
\- It’s alright my darling, said Anna, beaming at him. I’m so glad to see you. Come and give me a hug.  
She held her son in a tight embrace, kissing him all over his head, neck and face. The boy started giggling:  
\- Stop it Mummy, you tickle! he shouted. When she stopped, he looked at her seriously and asked:  
\- When Mummy home?  
She sighed, and it was John who answered the boy’s request:  
\- First Mummy has to get better. Then when the doctor allows, she can come back home. Later.   
\- But me want Mummy home!   
\- I know sweetheart, I want her home too, very much. She will be with us very soon. Meanwhile, you’re having fun in the nursery with Miss Sybbie and Master Georges, aren’t you?  
They kept chatting for a while, laughing as Johnny made acquaintance with his little sister, and seemed quite disappointed that all she would do was sleep… How was he supposed to teach her to play if she slept all the time?   
When the child started to get bored and became rather fussy, John decided to take him back to the Abbey. Anna kissed him goodbye, and looked at John:   
\- You stay at home with him tonight John. I’ll be fine. You get some rest.   
\- Are you sure? I would rather come back and be with you.   
\- John. You’ve had what, five hours sleep in the last three days? Come on. I’ll be fine, I promise. You sleep at home in our bed and come back tomorrow.   
\- Alright Darling, he answered reluctantly. But… I will miss you.   
\- I know, she said with a loving smile. I’ll miss you too. Now go, I’ll see you tomorrow.   
\- Good night Anna. I love you.   
\- I love you too.  
And they parted with a sweet kiss. 

***

As Anna was engrossed in the study of her daughter’s face, she heard a light knock on the door. Lady Mary entered the room and beamed:  
\- So it is true, what Bates told us! Oh, Anna, I’m so glad you are getting better! I worried so much…  
Anna warmly smiled at her.   
\- Thank you Milady, this is very touching.   
\- How are you feeling?   
\- Well, right now, I do feel a bit as if I had been ran over by a train…   
\- I can imagine. So, this is little Leslie Anna if I am not mistaken?   
\- Yes it is Milady, said Anna with a bright smile.   
\- May I hold her?   
\- If you wish.   
\- Oh, she’s so sweet! She does look like you, Bates was right!  
After cooing at the baby for a little while, Lady Mary looked up to Anna, and said in her usual matter-of-fact tone:  
\- Look, Anna, when Clarkson discharges you from here, I want you to come to the Abbey to convalesce. We’ll have a room ready for you.  
\- Oh Milady, this is so kind of you, but… it seems such an imposition. And besides… I don’t want to be away from M. Bates, and Johnny…   
\- But think Anna. When you get out of here, you won’t be in any fit state to spend your days alone at the cottage with your two children. M. Bates will have to go back to work, so who will look after you and the children?   
\- You’re right about that Milady, acknowledged Anna.   
\- See? So this is the best solution. We have the duty to care for our staff. So, a room will be waiting for you, and Bates and Johnny can stay with you at night. That way we can keep an eye on you. Mrs Hughes, Baxter, Nielson will be happy to do that. And when you’re up to it, you can all go back to the cottage.   
\- Thank you Milady. I really appreciate it. Really.   
\- You’re welcome. At least this time I won’t have to move out of my room, said Lady Mary, referring to Anna’s first childbirth. Both laughed at the memory of this very special New Year’s Eve.   
\- Oh, Milady, I wanted to ask you, said Anna while ruffling under her pillow. She took the lucky charm and held it to Lady Mary:  
\- Is this yours? I found it, and it’s not mine, and M. Bates didn’t put it there either…   
\- Oh, yes it is mine. It’s my lucky charm. I put it there when I visited you yesterday. It seems it has once again done its job well.   
\- This is so sweet of you Milady, said Anna, tears springing in her eyes. You really are not the usual employer you know…   
\- Well, right back at you I would say. You are not quite the usual lady’s maid…  
And they silently exchanged a look that said many things without a word. Then Lady Mary broke the silence, a bit embarrassed that her eyes were getting too shiny too:   
\- Anyway… I have to go back home to give the good news to everyone! Have a good rest Anna. I’ll see you later.   
\- Goodbye Milady. And thank you so much. For everything.   
\- Goodbye Anna.


	8. Chapter 8

“If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely  
Can't control it, try as you might  
May you find that love never leave you  
May you find it by the end of the day  
You won't be lost, hurt, tired or lonely  
Something beautiful will come your way”  
(Robbie Williams)

Two days later, Anna and John said goodbye to their little Elizabeth. Most of the Abbey’s inhabitants, both upstairs and downstairs, came to meet them in Downton cemetery, offering the support of their discreet presence on this painful day. The weather was warm for a late March, and the sun shone so bright that it seemed almost out of place for a day of mourning. Dr Clarkson had granted Anna permission to go, as she had managed to sit, to walk a few steps, and had been freed from her IV line.   
John stood beside Anna’s wheelchair, while they held hands tightly, silently watching the tiny white coffin being buried. They did not try to conceal their tears in front of everyone, and everyone was crying with them.   
“Goodbye, my little angel”, whispered Anna when it was all over.   
When everyone had expressed their condolences to them, they made their way back to the hospital. 

As Anna was settling herself in the armchair, John came back from the nursery with a very fussy Leslie Anna. The baby was crying at the top of her voice. The nurse had said that now was not the time for the bottle, so she had to wait. John was going round and round in the room, rocking her from side to side, in a desperate and non-efficient attempt to soothe her.   
After a few minutes of watching him, Anna, who since the day before was beginning to feel her breasts filling up with milk, decided to take action.   
\- I can’t stand to listen to her wailing like this and not give her what she needs! To hell with the nurse’s clock. Give her to me, she said while she began to unfasten the first buttons on her dress.  
Anna had not tried to breastfeed Leslie yet, so how would she react, when she had taken only bottles from her birth? Anna presented her daughter with her breast, and after a few seconds hesitation, the baby latched on it, and started greedily suckling, as if her life depended on it.   
\- Look John! beamed Anna with a look of wonder on her face. She’s doing it! And the nurse was saying she wouldn’t know how to breastfeed. I’m glad I didn’t listen to her! See how happy she is… Like she’s back right where she belongs.  
John had sat next to them and was watching them with infinite love in his eyes.   
\- Indeed you are much more effective in shushing her than I am… he said with a large smile.   
Anna looked at him with tears in her eyes.   
\- That makes me so happy… In fact, I don’t know how one can possibly feel so sad and so happy within two hours time…   
\- You’re right, this day is such an emotional roller-coaster… But seeing you two like that really is a sight for sore eyes.   
He leaned in to kiss Anna softly on her mouth.   
\- I love you so much. Both of you.  
\- I know darling. I love you too.

***

After spending ten days in the hospital, Anna was released from care by Dr Clarkson, and returned to Downton Abbey to find the servant’s hall decorated in her honor and all the staff happily cheering on her and the little girl. Even Thomas Barrow, the butler, who wasn’t known to be a great friend of the Bates, managed to have a kind word for her. It was a heartwarming welcome to her, but as touched as she and John were at this profuse show of friendship, still they felt that a small part of their heart had been left behind.   
They settled in the room that Lady Mary, as promised, had had made ready for them. They both smiled knowingly when Anna recognized that it was the same room in which they had spent their wedding night, almost a decade ago.   
Anna was spending quiet days, resting, taking care of Leslie, eating the nutritious food that Mrs Patmore and Daisy were preparing for her. Everyday one or several members of the staff stopped by and kept her company for a little while, as their various duties would allow them. When she started to feel more confident, she would go down and spent a little time in the servant’s hall, where she found her rocking chair at the same spot she had left it, or even took short walks in the park, sometimes accompanied by Lady Mary. Color was slowly coming back to her cheeks.   
One night, as she had just finished putting Leslie back into her crib, John entered the room, back from his service to Lord Grantham. Seeing that his wife was leaning over the crib, he came close to her, put a hand on her shoulder and whispered in her ear:  
\- Good night love. How are you? How is she?  
\- We’re fine. Look, she’s smiling in her sleep…   
\- Oh yes. That is so sweet… It looks like she’s smiling to angels…  
At these words, Anna suddenly tensed, and turned away to walk to the window. She stood in front of it and stared outside, not responding anything. John was bewildered by her reaction, so he followed her to the window and asked her softly:  
\- My darling, what’s wrong? Did I say something?  
She turned her face to him, and he could see the tears shining down her cheeks.  
\- I’m sorry, I know you didn’t mean any harm but… it’s just when you talked about angels… It reminded me all the sudden of Elizabeth. Most of the day I manage to go on, to smile, to care for Johnny and Leslie, but sometimes it just comes back in full force. I had prepared myself to have one baby on each arm… And one of my arms just stays empty. It’s maddening to feel such opposite feelings at the same time. Love and joy each time I look at them, and hurt when I think of her. Sometimes I dream about her, all alone and cold out there, I hear her calling and I can’t reach her…  
Her voice died as the sobbing became too hard for her to talk.   
John’s heart broke at seeing her in this state. He took her in a tight embrace, saying nothing until the sobbing receded a bit.   
\- I know, Anna. I know. I feel just the same. I dream about her too.   
\- Do you?   
\- Yes, I do, of course.   
\- Oh John… she said, holding him close and wetting his shirt with her tears. Will we ever get over this?   
\- Of course we will. I mean, we won’t ever forget her of course. But we will continue our lives. We have overcome so much together already. How many times in the past has our happiness been shattered to pieces? And every time we have picked them up and patiently rebuild our lives. I have faith in us. I have faith in you. Maybe you can’t feel it right now, but you are strong. You are the strongest person I know.   
\- I don’t know about that…   
\- I know about that. Believe me. If you weren’t that strong, I wouldn’t be holding you right now. I would be a desperate widower.  
\- But… what are we then? When one loses a spouse, one is a widow or a widower. When one loses a parent, one is an orphan. What are we, when we lose a child? How come there is no word for that? I never thought about that before…  
\- You’re right, it doesn’t seem fair.  
He put his hands on the sides of her face, wiping the tears away, and kissed her softly on her forehead.   
\- I like to think that we are the parents of a sweet little angel, who is watching over us from heaven.  
She half-smiled behind her tears.   
\- Thank you John. What would I do without you.   
\- What would I do without you… Now come to bed, you’re exhausted, and Leslie will call again too soon, he said leading her back to their bed. 

***

Anna and John stayed at the Abbey for three weeks. By then Anna was feeling better, and they were longing for their home, their usual intimacy, that they had left behind more than a month before. So they decided to move back to the cottage. John would do frequent trips back from the Abbey each day to check on Anna and the baby, while Johnny kept his habits of spending his days in the nursery with his older friends Sybbie and Georges. Sometimes when she felt good enough and the weather was bright, Anna would walk up to the Abbey to keep up with everyone’s news. She still had some melancholy outbursts of course, but the bright May weather was doing her good. Leslie was striving, and her first smiles were bringing new joy to her parents’ hearts.   
On one of John’s days off, they decided to go take a family walk outside in the nearby country, to enjoy the warm weather. Johnny was running around them, collecting flowers, wood sticks, rocks, all those things that are treasures to a little child.  
As they were passing near the lake, they made a stop and sat in the grass so that Anna could feed Leslie who was becoming rather fussy.   
John was watching the waters, and said with a hint of nostalgia:  
\- Do you remember last time we came here? You told me you were expecting…  
He sighed and after a few seconds added:   
\- Who would have thought it would become such a hectic path…  
\- And now, there can be no other announcement. Ever… answered Anna, with a little twist in her voice. You never mentioned it, but I know it is disappointing to you… I know you craved for a big family. I can never give it to you.  
\- Oh Anna, sweetheart. You can never disappoint me! You have given me so much already! For God’s sake, you almost gave your life to give me a family, don’t you think that it is enough? Do you remember how once we thought that we could not have children at all? Now we have the two most beautiful children on earth. And it is thanks to you. I am so grateful for that.   
\- Do you mean that?   
\- Of course I do. In fact, you know what? I do not want anymore children. Last time I thought I had lost you. And I don’t want to ever go through this again. So in a way, I am glad that it is over.   
\- Well, I am quite happy to hear that… because I feel the same. I have enjoyed being pregnant, and I love being Johnny and Leslie’s mother, but I don’t think I could have taken another childbirth…   
\- So you see? There we are. A happy family of four, and no regrets.   
\- A family of four people, and a little angel, corrected Anna.   
John deposited a light kiss on her temple.   
\- So, has this young lady finished her tea? Shall we continue our walk?   
\- Yes I think she’s good, smiled Anna, closing her blouse.


	9. Chapter 9

“Oh, why you look so sad?  
Tears are in your eyes  
Come on and come to me now  
Don't be ashamed to cry  
Let me see you through  
'Cause I've seen the dark side too  
When the night falls on you  
You don't know what to do  
Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less  
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you”  
(The Pretenders)

It had been three months since Anna and John had moved back into their cottage. The two children had been settled in the spare room, and things had moved on to a new kind of normal. Anna had resumed her work, only two days a week, mostly out of friendship for Lady Mary, who seemed to think that she could not indulge herself in the same kind of conversation with Nielson as she did with Anna. John had negotiated a second day off each week, to be able to spend more time with his family, and Lord Grantham had given in. 

On a hot summer evening, after checking on the sleeping children, John entered their bedroom, and found Anna standing in front of the mirror, in her underwear, seemingly studying herself.   
She had her back to him, and the sight of her took his breath away. Her neck, the fall of her hair on her shoulders, the curve of her back, her hips made him squirm inside. In more than four months, they had not yet found their way back to their usual physical intimacy. In the beginning John had not dared touch Anna in fear that she was too weak for that. Now that she was healthier, she seemed to have lost confidence in her own body, and always managed to dodge any attempt of his to bring the subject on.   
In front of this mirror, she was slowly passing her fingers on and on along the large scar on her lower abdomen, frowning pensively.   
He crossed the room and came to stand right behind her. He lightly put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her softly just under her ear.   
He looked at her in the mirror and whispered in her ear:  
\- You are so beautiful my darling. I miss you.  
She looked back at his reflection and said:  
\- What do you mean, you miss me? I am right here.  
She lowered her gaze, because despite her answer she knew exactly what he meant.   
\- I miss you, I miss us. I miss being with you fully, like before. Don’t you?  
She sighed heavily, then turned around to face him, still keeping her eyes down. She murmured:  
\- I do, but…   
\- But what, love?   
\- But I’m scared…   
\- Scared? Do you fear that I might hurt you? That you would be in pain? Because you know I would never do anything like that, I would never force you into anything you don’t want!  
\- I know that…   
\- What then?   
She looked up to him with shining eyes:  
\- I’m scared that you won’t find me attractive, that you won’t want me in that way anymore...  
He looked utterly stunned.   
\- Oh my God Anna… but what are you saying? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes on, why on earth would I not want you anymore? Come, sit with me.  
And he took her hand and pulled her to the bed, where they both sat face to face. He cupped her chin with his hand and looked straight into her eyes with a serious look:  
\- Anna Bates, why would you think that I might not want you?  
She shyly looked away, then answered in a trembling voice:  
\- It’s just that… my body is so different than it was before… The skin on my belly is all floppy, and then there’s this big wretched scar… Sometimes it’s all I can see. I feel ugly, I’m afraid you would find me ugly!  
\- Heavens Anna. Believe me, ugly is the last word that would cross my mind when I think of you! Do you really think a silly scar would turn me away from you? It could be right across your face that I wouldn’t love you a bit less! You could miss an eye, an ear or an arm, I couldn’t care less. I love your body, I love your mind, I love your heart, your soul, your kindness, your cleverness, your strength. I will love you whatever, whenever, wherever. Don’t you know that by now? Besides, I have my own scars, and you have always loved me with them, haven’t you?   
\- Yes but…   
\- Well there you go. You look at yourself and you see floppy skin and a big ugly scar. I look at you, and I read the reminder of what you went through in order to give me what I longed for, a family. I read the memory of those days when I almost lost you, and I remember how ever so grateful I am that you are still with me today.  
Tears were now running down her cheeks. She murmured:  
\- Thank you John. I love you.  
And she pulled him into a close hug, holding on to him so fiercely that he had trouble catching his breath. He put one hand on the small of her back, and the other on her hair, gently stroking the back of her head. After letting her cry out her anxiety for a few minutes, he whispered in her ear:  
\- So, would you let me try and help you to make peace with your body?  
After a few seconds hesitation, he felt her nod against his neck. He smiled to himself in the dim light.   
\- Are you ready now? I don’t want to push you if you’re not…  
She looked at him shyly, a bit flushed on the cheeks, and said:  
\- I think I might be willing to give it a try...  
With a boyish grin, he started to remove what underwear she was still wearing. He proceeded very slowly and carefully, letting his hands slide gently on her. The soft touch was so comforting that it brought a new warmth inside of her. A strange kind of feeling that she had not felt for several months. When he was done with undressing her, he picked her up like a feather and laid her on the bed. He took off his shirt and trousers too, and laid beside her.   
\- Are you alright love? May I? he asked after planting a kiss on her lips.  
\- You may M. Bates, she answered, putting her hand at the back of his neck and pulling him back into a more intense kiss. Their tongues met and sweet anticipation began running through their veins. John broke the kiss and looked at her with a concerned look in his eyes:  
\- Please Anna, feel free to interrupt me whenever you need. Tell me if anything’s not right for you. Promise?   
\- I promise, she answered, but she knew already that nothing could ever go wrong while she was in his arms.   
He started lightly kissing her in the neck, on her shoulder, along her collarbone, while his hands where slowly exploring her body, soft as feathers. He ran down her arm, her hip, her belly, gently coming across the scar, then going up again, just under her breasts.   
He was taking things slowly, staying clear at first from the most sensitive areas. Anna was rejoicing in his soft caress, feeling her body gradually coming to life again. A little flame had been lit low in her belly, and it was growing steadier. She was starting to long for him to take it to the next step. As if he was reading her mind, he started to focus his attentions on her breasts. There was light stroking at first, but he soon intensified his touch, and started gently but firmly massaging her nipple. His mouth found the other one, and Anna came one step closer to heaven. She tasted like sweet milk. She was whimpering as she was rediscovering how good his hands and mouth felt on her body. His mouth continued his work, as his hand slowly went down, and met her where the small fire was not so small anymore. She gasped and moaned in pleasure when his fingers started expertly exploring her most intimate area, lingering on the most sensitive spots. He knew her well, and did not need long to make the little fire grow into a raging blaze. His mouth abandoned her breast, and started kissing its way down, until he settled himself at the foot of the bed, and set to continue with his tongue the work he had begun with his fingers. Anna’s breath was becoming faster and shakier by the minute, and soon she was barely holding on. When she thought she wouldn’t be able to hold back any longer, she ran her fingers through his hair, forced him to lift his head and said breathlessly:   
\- Please John, stop. I want us to share this. Come, please...  
And she guided him upwards, until he settled himself inside her.   
\- Oh Anna... he groaned as the fire moved into him too.   
They were just one body and electricity was flowing freely between them. They locked their eyes together and started slowly moving on their own rhythm, and the whole world around disappeared.   
Anna was holding on to her husband’s shoulders tighter and tighter, as she felt waves of pleasure coming, each one stronger than the one before, until the firework exploded and she came apart crying his name. When he saw that she had achieved her satisfaction, John let himself join her over the edge, and they found themselves clinging to each other, laughing, crying and kissing at the same time, in the sweet sweet aftermath of their bodily reunion.   
When John had laid himself next to her, she turned to him, and said with happy tears in her eyes:  
\- Oh John… that was… unbelievable!  
And she leaned in to kiss him fiercely.   
\- I can’t even remember why I was scared. You make me feel so safe and whole. Thank you so much. I love you!  
He smiled sweetly and held her close to him, whispering:   
\- Thank you. For being you. For being there. For trusting me. It means so much to me.  
The summer air was hot and thick, and they fell asleep there, naked and sweaty and happy. 

***

A thunderstorm was raging outside the cottage on this late August night. John Bates was sleeping a very restless sleep. He kept moaning, twisting and turning in the bed, tortured by the nightmare he was having for the umpteenth time. After a while, he woke up in a startle, his brow wet with cold sweat, searching for his breath. Still in a daze, he turned to Anna’s side of the bed, looking for the warmth of her body to steady his feelings. But the bed was empty. In a split second, panic rose into him, and he could not really remember what was nightmare and what was reality. Tears started rolling down his cheeks, as he cried desperately for his wife:  
\- Anna! Where are you?!  
A few seconds later he heard her footsteps coming up the stairs. She was carrying Leslie, asleep in her arms. She came to him and asked, concerned:  
\- John? Is something wrong?  
She found him sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands covering his face, his shoulders shaking from the sobbing.   
\- John… My God, what is the matter? Wait, let me put Leslie back in her bed.  
She went to the children’s room, lay her daughter in her crib and came back to him. She sat beside him on the bed and started stroking his back.   
\- John, what’s wrong darling?  
\- I’m just being silly… that’s all.   
\- Crying is never silly. Tell me. Come on.   
\- I just had the same old bad dream… Of Elizabeth, of you being dead too, and Leslie too, and me being all alone with Johnny. And then I woke up and you weren’t there so I don’t know, I guess I panicked, I was not thinking straight… God I feel so foolish now.   
\- Ssssshhh, don’t say that. It’s not foolish to fear for the ones you love. I just went downstairs with Leslie because the storm had woken her up… I didn’t want her to wake you or Johnny. Everything is alright sweetheart. I am here.   
\- Thank God…  
Anna embraced her husband in a tight hug (which was clearly not an easy task as he was so much larger than she was…). After comforting him, lightly passing her fingers through his hair, she whispered:  
\- John? Don’t you think we should really get moving on about the hotel plan? Get our minds focused on something happy? Change our surroundings? Don’t you think it would do us good? Maybe it would help us open a new chapter and leave all the hard feelings behind?   
\- Well, I didn’t want you to get too bothered and worked up when you were still recovering, but if you’re feeling up to it, maybe we should, yes. It would help us set our minds on the future, not the past…   
\- Great. Although I can’t think of how we are going to break that news to Lady Mary and Lord Grantham…   
\- It sure won’t be easy… But I think they will understand.   
\- I think so too. So, are you feeling better? Shall we go back to sleep now? There are only a few hours left till we have to get up…   
\- You’re right. Yes, I do feel better, that’s what you do to me, he said with a wet smile.   
They went back to sleep, holding on to each other, dreaming good dreams now, about nice hotels by the sea.


	10. Chapter 10

“Birds flying high, you know how I feel  
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel  
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel  
It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good”  
(Muse)

April 1929

In her new cottage, on a bright spring early evening, Anna Bates was looking at herself in the full size mirror standing in her bedroom. She was wearing her best Sunday dress, and had tied her bright blond hair in an elaborate bun that suited her fine features very well. Tonight, her husband was taking her to dinner in a fancy restaurant, celebrating their ten-year wedding anniversary. 

For four months now, they had been living here, in the owner’s cottage, located in the park a few yards away from the Belmont Guest House, sitting on a hill a bit outside the town of Scarborough, looking over the sea from a cliff. They had fallen in love with the small hotel at first sight when they had visited it. It needed freshening up of course, but it was ideally located, neither too grand nor too small with its twelve guest bedrooms, had a cozy interior, a beautiful park and a wonderful sea view. They had sold John’s London house, and with the money they had saved over the years from the rents, they had been able to buy it, then spent several months refurbishing and redecorating it. They had hired a cook, two housemaids, a waiter, and a gardener, and were almost ready for opening in the beginning of next month. 

\- Are you ready Anna? asked John Bates, peaking into the room. Esther has arrived, she’s downstairs with the children.  
Their new cook, Mrs Harvey, had offered them the service of her daughter, nineteen-years-old Esther, as a baby-sitter for their night out. Being the eldest of her six children, she was deemed competent enough to care for three-years-old Johnny and thirteen-months-old Leslie Anna for a few hours. Anna had never left her daughter in the care of anyone else until this day (save her first days in the hospital nursery), so she had needed a little mind-prepping, but John kept telling her she was being silly. Everything would be fine. 

The Bates’ parting from their former employers and the whole Downton’s staff had been quite painful, but as John had fore-viewed, Lady Mary and Lord Grantham had been very understanding. They knew better than anyone else all the hardships John and Anna had encountered in their years in their service, and while they regretted to be parted from them, they understood their need for a fresh start. All the same, many tears of nostalgia had been shed on the night of their farewell party. Since their departure, Anna was regularly corresponding with Lady Mary, Mrs Hughes and Miss Baxter, who was soon to become Mrs Molesley (at last…). John was keeping Lord Grantham informed about the advance in the hotel work, and had invited the whole Grantham family, as well as the Carsons, the following week for the inauguration. 

\- Anna? repeated John, tearing her out of her thoughts. Shall we go?  
\- Yes, yes, I’m coming.  
She went downstairs to kiss the children goodnight, give some last-minute advice and briefing to Esther, and met John who was waiting for her at the door with her coat and hat.   
\- Come on darling, Esther is a good girl, everything will go smoothly, I’m sure. Don’t worry.  
\- I know. I’m not worried, she answered him with a smile. 

She put her coat and her hat and they started their way down the hill to Scarborough’s town center. 

***

\- So, happy anniversary darling! said John Bates, holding up his glass of sparkling water, decorated with a lemon slice.   
\- Happy anniversary John, said softly Anna, holding her own glass. She had indulged herself with a glass of champagne. My God, ten years since we sneaked out to Ripon’s registry office… It seems like two centuries ago.   
\- And I still regret that I couldn't offer you a proper wedding, with a nice white dress, and all our people around us.   
\- Oh John, don’t be silly. I told you then, and I repeat it now, I’d rather have the right man than the right wedding, and obviously, ten years later, I can say that I do have the right man. The perfect man, she said caressing his cheek.  
He turned his head to kiss her hand. He then started searching for something in his suit’s pocket, and presented her with a little wrapped present.   
\- So, this is for you, my dear wife, he smiled as he handed her the present.  
She silently took it, a curious look on her face. She delicately unwrapped the paper, to find a little jewelry box. She slowly opened it, and her face turned into an expression of wonder.   
\- Oh John… It is so beautiful!   
The box contained a golden ring, set with five little precious stones on a row, three diamonds and two rubies.   
\- Do you like it? The rubies are for us, and the diamonds for each of the children, explained John.   
Tears sprung in her eyes. She put in on her finger, looked at it shining on her hand, looked up to him and beamed:  
\- Do I like it? John, it's marvelous! Thank you so much… It is so thoughtful of you. I love you so much.  
She quickly dried her eyes with her handkerchief.   
\- I feel like Lady Mary with such a fine piece of jewelry on my hand! she chuckled.  
She then reached for her purse and took out a flat present.   
\- I have something for you too! I had a hard time finding a purse large enough to conceal it on the way here…  
John laughed softly and said:  
\- So this is the reason… I did wonder why on earth you needed such a big purse, but then who am I to judge a woman’s attire…  
\- Come on, open it!  
He started pulling the wrapping paper off, and found a delicately framed picture of the two children, Johnny proudly holding Leslie Anna in his lap, both children widely grinning at him.   
\- Oh, Anna, it’s wonderful! But… when did you do that?  
\- Remember last week when I went “grocery shopping” with the two of them? You didn’t notice it took me quite some time for a small amount of grocery…, she said with a smirk. And now we have an appointment the day after tomorrow, to have other pictures done, of the four of us. Obviously I couldn’t take you before or it wouldn’t have been a surprise…   
\- This is a really good idea my darling.  
He took her hand and kissed her knuckles just below the new ring. 

***

\- Anna? Where the hell are you? They will be here any minute! We should go down to greet them! shouted John from the bottom of the cottage stairs. In response, Anna came down in a hurry, carrying Leslie on her hip.   
\- I know, I know, but this naughty girl chose the right moment to fill her diaper… I had to change everything… Anyway, all’s under control now, we can go.

The four members of the Bates family made their way through the park to the hotel, where they settled in the lobby to wait for the Granthams’ arrival. The hotel inauguration was scheduled the next day, and they had invited Lord and Lady Grantham, Lady Mary (who was coming alone since M. Talbot was again away for a motor show), and M. and Mrs Carson for a private reunion dinner and an advance tour of their new kingdom. 

Johnny, who was watching the alley from behind the window, suddenly jumped and shouted:   
\- Mummy, Daddy, the cars are coming, the cars are coming!   
\- Oh yes, you’re right my dear, here they are, answered his father, taking him in his arms and making his way to the entrance door.   
Anna followed them, tugging on her dress to straighten it up and taking a deep steadying breath. Although she didn’t want to admit it, she was quite nervous to host her former employers and superiors. They were waiting on the porch when the two cars stopped in front of the entrance and the guests started getting off. 

\- Anna! I’m so happy to see you again! exclaimed Lady Mary.  
There was a brief awkward moment when they didn’t really know how to greet each other properly, but Lady Mary decided for them when she took her in a warm hug.   
\- Oh, to hell, you’re not my maid anymore, I can hug you like a friend!  
Anna laughed happily, and blushed when she caught M. Carson’s horrified look, who was standing a few feet behind. Her greetings to Lord and Lady Grantham were much more formal, but Mrs Hughes gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.   
\- So, Bates, Anna, this is a really nice place you’ve found yourselves, I must say! exclaimed Lord Grantham, backing away a few steps to take in a view of the building, and turning around to look at the park and the view.  
\- Really nice!  
\- Thank you Milord, answered Bates. It’s not the Grand Hotel or the Ritz, but it suits us very well. I hope you will find yourselves comfortable here.  
\- I’m sure we will, said Lady Grantham with a fond smile.   
\- Would you like to come in and have some tea, while M. Bates carries your luggage to your rooms? asked Anna while ushering them towards the entrance.  
\- Sure, that would be nice, thank you, answered Lady Mary. 

After tea, when everyone was settled in their respective rooms, Lady Mary asked Anna if she would take her on a tour of the park, which she accepted gladly. They set up to their walk, Anna pushing Leslie in her pram, Johnny running around them. They enjoyed a nice catching-up time, exchanging one another’s news, from Leslie’s first steps to George’s planned departure to boarding school next September. The chat was relaxed and seemed natural, as if they had already forgotten the mistress-servant relationship that had framed their conversations for more than fifteen years. They felt like two friends, almost two sisters. Indeed Lady Mary felt much more close in feelings to Anna than she had ever felt towards Edith… 

***

At eight o’clock, all the guests assembled in the hotel’s dining room, where Anna and John had joined several tables to accommodate the whole party together.   
M. Carson seemed a bit stiff, his sense of protocol being shaken by the thought of former (and current, concerning his wife) servants dining at the same table than the Ladies and Lord.  
\- Come on Charlie, teased Mrs Hughes, you can face dining at his Lordship’s table, can’t you? Remember that Gwen did it before you! They are just humans you know…  
M. Bates heard them and went to M. Carson’s support.  
\- I can understand M. Carson, Mrs Hughes… I feel myself quite intimidated…   
\- I am not intimidated, thank you! snapped M. Carson, obviously vexed. It’s just that it is not the way it should be.   
\- Well it is the way it will be tonight, and it seems fine to them, concluded Mrs Hughes. 

Everyone settled down in their chairs, and Mrs Harvey brought the first course.   
\- I hope you don’t mind, your Ladyship, your Lordship, but I’m afraid we have no footman to serve tonight, we will have to help ourselves, said Anna.  
\- Oh don’t worry, I think we can survive to that, answered Lady Grantham. But how will you manage when you have all your customers? Who will serve them dinner?  
\- We have hired a waiter, but he’s not coming until next week. I will serve for the first days. We won’t be at full steam on the first week.  
\- So, how does it feel to have your own servants now? asked Lord Grantham. From house maid and valet to business owners, you sure have climbed up that ladder the two of you! Congratulations.  
-Thank you Milord, said Bates. We hope we are as good employers to our staff as you have been to us.   
Lord Grantham seemed flattered.   
\- Do you already have a lot of bookings? asked Lady Mary.  
\- Some Milady. But we hope that tomorrow’s inauguration will bring us some more. We have also bought some advertising space in a few newspapers.   
\- You can count on us to advertise for you too, said Mrs Hughes.   
\- That’s very nice of you Mrs Hughes, answered M. Bates.   
\- So, Lady Grantham, how is Lady Hexham doing? I think I remember she had a baby a bit before me? asked Anna, changing the subject.  
\- Yes, you are right, little Charlotte is fifteen months old, they are doing fine, thank you for asking. Although Miss Marigold caught measles last month. Fortunately the baby didn’t get it.   
\- Oh, poor thing! Is she better now?   
\- Yes, she is, but for a while Edith was out of her mind with worry.   
\- Of course she would. We are always worrying for our babies…  
\- But she’s fine now, so she was fussing for nothing as usual, said Lady Mary with a touch of disdain in her voice.   
\- You’re not being fair Milady, measles is a serious thing…  
The meal went on, as everyone was chatting amiably, sharing their latest news, their plans for the future. M. Carson lamented that the staff was still shrinking at the Abbey, as Nielson had given her notice to go and get married, and Lady Mary had decided not to replace her.   
For one evening, the social differences seemed to fade out a bit and everyone seemed to enjoy it (even M. Carson managed to relax after all…)

***

Later in the evening, when all the guests had gone to bed, Anna and John settled outside their cottage to enjoy a little quiet time before going to bed themselves. The weather was warm, and the sky was shining with stars.   
John put his arms around Anna’s shoulders, and she settled her head on his shoulder.   
\- Are you alright darling? Did you enjoy your evening? he asked.  
\- In fact yes, I did. I was quite nervous to dine with His Lordship and Her Ladyship, but they are nice people.   
\- Yes they are. Are you ready for our big day tomorrow?   
\- Oh my god, you’re making me nervous again… All these people that we don’t know and I will have to speak to every one of them…   
\- You will be perfect.  
They stayed silent for a little while.   
\- I really feel like it will be the first day of the rest of our lives. And I hope everything will be alright. sighed Anna. I hope we will finally be happy. Leave everything behind.   
\- You mean… the failed divorce? Vera’s death? Me being arrested…  
\- Then sentenced to death for her suicide… Then spending eighteen months in prison…  
\- Then… M. Green… You being arrested for his death…   
\- You admitting it to free me… Then running away…  
\- The miscarriages…   
\- Elizabeth…  
\- You almost dying…   
\- Yes, I think we’ve had enough. I really hope God would leave us in peace now.   
\- I know he will.   
\- How do you know that?  
John looked up to the sky, and pointed at one particularly bright star:  
\- Look, we have our little angel above us. She’s watching over us.  
Anna smiled and settled completely into John’s arms, circling his waist with her own arms.   
\- I love you John.   
\- I love you too Anna, he answered as he put his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her into a gentle and tender kiss. 

***

“L’un soutenant l’autre, attentifs aux moindres soupirs, regards ou résurgence de chagrin, avec un acharnement plein de délicatesse et des trésors de tendresse, Pierre-Edouard et Mathilde s’entraidèrent mutuellement à sortir du gouffre. (...)  
Ainsi, pour ne pas accroître leur détresse commune, l’un et l’autre surmontèrent leur peine, tentèrent de la juguler, dans le seul but de prendre en charge celle du conjoint.   
Alors peu à peu, parce qu’ils s’étaient contraints à la maîtrise, ils émergèrent ensemble du tunnel et la nuit s’éclaircit pour eux.”   
(Claude Michelet)


End file.
